Volume 2, Issue 2, February 1995

HELPING CHILDREN DEAL WITH DEATH

Just like adults, children need to grieve and should not be screened from the full reality of the meaning of death. As the American poet, Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Sorrow makes us all children again."

Earl Grollman, specialist on grief states: "We shouldn't let children sidestep death's profound thud of finality through euphemisms, fantasy or secrecy. Our present-day culture tends to treat death like a bad word, especially with kids.

Grollman, a retired rabbi, has written 24 books on grieving. He says, "Grief is not a disease. It's as natural as eating. It's nature's way of healing a broken heart." He thinks we should take the word "death" off the taboo list rather than trying to hide it with terms such as, "passed on", "passed away", "went away", "departed".

Children need to grieve, however, in their own way, Grollman says. Whether we like it or not, children are constantly exposed to death. Pets, friends and relatives die, and death of all sorts saturates television news, cartoons and entertainment.

Preschoolers tend to think death is reversible, Gollman says. Children aged 5 to 9 years understand death can happen to others, but not to themselves. They often personify death in the form of a person, spirit or bogey man.

Children aged 10 and older often strongly fear death.

Adults shouldn't deny that children feel less strongly when death comes. No matter what stage they're at, all children should be gently but repeatedly told death is not temporary, Gollman says. Children should be allowed to see adults grieve, whether they cry or feel sad, morose or troubled.

Children should be encouraged to attend funerals, Grollman adds.

In grief, Grollman recommends, adults should share only honest religious convictions with the children. Children (and most everyone) have built in radar that enables them to quickly detect inconsistency or deception.

Gollman finds it dangerous when an adult tries to console a child in pain with a cliche such as, "We can't be selfish; God was lonely and wanted daddy in heaven."

Heaven is a difficult concept for some children, Gollman says.

Gollman cautions also against people saying "It's God's will".

Children can be angry at God when someone dies. Such feelings should not be shut down and condemned.

One thing Gollman finds helpful is connecting death to the cycles of nature. He suggests reminding children how trees, plants and animals, are born, grow and die. That's just the way it is.

Gollman stresses, listen to children - to their anger, guilt and sadness. When words fail, touch. "Attitude can be more important than words", Gollman points out. Physical demonstrations of love and support are the greatest gifts", he says.

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"Religion NOW" is published in limited edition by the Rev. Ross E. Readhead, B.A., B.D., Certificate of Corrections, McMaster University, in the interest of furthering knowledge and participation in religion. Dialogue is invited and welcomed.